Writing Sample One

Thesis: The setting in Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants” serves to clarify the potential futures of the train passengers.

Body One Topic Sentence: The dry, barren landscape on the side where the woman and American sit reflects the life the couple could have if they decide to keep the baby.

Body Two:

     On the other side of the train station lies a lush, verdant landscape with trees, fields, and a river. This side represents the life the couple could have should they choose to terminate the pregnancy. The narrator informs us that after regarding the barren side of the station, the woman gets up and looks to the other side, seeing “fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro.” In contrast to the lifeless landscape, this description seems ideal: The fields indicate fertile soil, and the water brings life to the trees. As she looks at the scene, the woman states, “And we could have all this … we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.”  This casual comment shows that the woman is making a conscious distinction between the two landscapes: She sees opportunity in the side with the river, referring to it as “all this … everything” as though it is desirable. Her comment infers that she does not see opportunity in the side she viewed previously. Her words also reveal that she feels their waiting is making future opportunities more difficult to reach, as she states, “every day we make it more impossible.” The “it” she refers to is the opportunity she suggests in the first half of her comment. Therefore, woman gives their decision about the pregnancy a certain urgency with this phrase, indicating a desire to come to a conclusion. The way she looks at the lush landscape further suggests a kind of longing for freedom and opportunity. With the responsibility of a child, she and the American will not have the freedom and opportunity they do now as they travel around gathering tags on their luggage, looking at “things,” and trying new drinks. The landscape is full of life, and the woman sees in that landscape their active future, the one she desires to continue as evidenced by her urgent question, “And if I do it you’ll be happy and things will be like they were and you’ll love me?” She believes the love of the man is connected to the continuation of their lifestyle, and that love will end should she have the child. Therefore, the landscape that causes her longing symbolizes the opportunities that come without the burden of a child.

Writing Sample Two

Thesis: The setting employed by Kate Chopin in her short piece “The Story of an Hour” parallels the experiences of the main character, Mrs. Louise Mallard.

Body One Topic Sentence: The trees Mrs. Mallard notices outside her window reflect her new life and the excitement she feels about being “free.”

Body Two Topic Sentence: The rain that has passed parallels Mrs. Mallard’s “storm of grief” and signals a cleansing of the past.

Body Three:

     Another element of the setting that relates to Mrs. Mallard is the movement of the clouds toward the west. These clouds relate to Mrs. Mallard’s past troubles, specifically the restriction she felt as a wife. The narrator states  “the clouds … met and piled one above the other in the west facing her window.” Clouds in general prevent people from seeing far into the sky – they block the sun and can be blamed for dreary attitudes and even depression. Symbolically, clouds represent dreariness with their gray color, and they can be seen as an object that obscures a clear view. In Mallard’s case, she receives clarity while sitting in her chair; after repeating “Free. Free. Free.” the narrator informs us Mrs. Mallard “saw … a long procession of years to come that would belong to her absolutely.” To be able to see so clearly and joyously the “years to come” indicates that there is nothing blocking her view – the clouds in her life have moved on. The direction of the movement of the clouds is also important. In a day, the sun begins its course in the East and finishes in the West.  This journey each day stands for a new beginning and ending – a kind of birth and death of light. Since the clouds here have met in the west, one can infer that they are exiting Mrs. Mallard’s life. The narrator informs us about Mallard, “There would be no one to live for during those coming years … no powerful will bending hers ….” Since it is the death of her husband that triggers her epiphany, one can identify the husband’s influence as the “powerful will” bending Mrs. Mallard’s. She is now overjoyed that she will not have to “live for” her husband. Chopin reveals that as a wife, Mallard felt held back from her desires, and now that the husband is gone she can see a clear future. The clouds of her troubles have cleared and moved toward the end of their cycle in the west, directly paralleling the experience of Mrs. Mallard.

Response Prompts: 

1. What makes each body paragraph strong above? Mark “+” in the margin for areas you think are strong and try to put into words what the student author did at each point you mark.
2. Characterize the use of quotes in the paragraphs. Are the quotes adequately introduced, or do they just appear without the author providing any context?
3. Investigate what the student author writes after each story quote. What words are used to indicate the student is making commentary vs. simply reporting a fact?
4. Identify the topic sentence in each body paragraph, then look for the conclusion statement in each paragraph that should remind the reader of the paragraph’s main point. How did the student do with wrapping up each paragraph?
5. In the space below, identify three specific improvements your paragraph requires to help with its organization and use of commentary.